1.5.18

17 || MOVING FORWARD

Hey butthole,

Don’t have much of an opener here for you. Just been doing that thing recently where I think a lot about a lot of shit. The holidays were weird. We had two family members wind up in the hospital on Christmas. We didn’t make it home to Seattle. It’s been over a year now and it’s the first Christmas we’ve missed with dad in a long time. Toast kept pooping on mom’s rugs. I found out we probably shouldn’t hide things in our underwear when we go to clubs because there’s a 110% chance we’ll flush them down the toilet in an inebriated rush to pee. Just the usual.

But it was also the happiest we’ve been in an incredibly long time. We did our own little Christmas with mom. We bought her eleven pairs of socks and she fed our unhealthy Patagonia love affair. Dad facetimed us with Molly and Rei to open presents and pretend to serve us scones and hot cocoa through the phone. We somehow found ourselves in the middle of a mosh pit at Brockhampton and Mads took on a slew of drunk hype boys like a champ. We spent New Year’s Eve with our girls in San Francisco and Sami kept wishing the Earth a happy birthday at 4:00 AM when we were curled up, half-alive, in bed. All of it was amazing.

What I’ve started to learn recently about life is that your enjoyment of it is always going to fairly proportional to how willing you are to just say, “fuck it,” when things start to get difficult. It should be no surprise by now that the breakup a couple months back really threw you through a loop. It was hard and disappointing and sad, and it’s still sad and will probably always be sad because you guys were a good pair and it’s never easy to watch a year and a half with someone fly out the window.

But it taught you a lot and it’s taught me how to stand here right now in this moment and say, “Fuck it. I’m choosing to let this go and move on.” And you should know how big that is for us because girl, holy fuck, it has taken moving heaven and earth and a mountain of shit to get to this point.

Listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, people are going to disappoint you. Sometimes it will be for fair reasons and sometimes it will be because your little heart is still learning what it means to not take things so personally. Oddly enough, those times when it’s for a fair reason, you’re going to struggle a lot more. You just are. It’s hard to be genuinely disappointed, especially by people we love. We want to think they’re better than that. That they have the capacity to be more than what they’re showing us. But you’re going to have to start coming to terms with the idea that if there’s a type of goodness or value in a person that you’re not seeing, then it’s not there. It doesn’t mean it won’t be in time. It’s just not there right now. And it doesn’t matter how much you push or prod or try to control, you simply cannot change someone unless they want to make the change themselves. But you can change you.

So. Sometimes you just have to turn your back, breath in the moment, face the future and step into uncertainty. It doesn’t mean there wasn’t happiness in the past. It doesn’t mean you don’t hold responsibility for moments of unhappiness in the past. It just means it’s time to take your great moments, your terrible moments, your perfect moments, your shit moments, the moments you loved hugely and unconditionally, the moments you screamed and lost your mind, the moments you felt the world could not be more beautiful, the moments you felt so much pain you thought you might die, and all the stuff in between – you have to take that, embrace your good, learn from your mistakes and press refresh on your life. Because what’s waiting for you on the other side of letting go will always be brighter than fighting for lost causes.

_______

I’m not entirely sure what I wanted to teach you with this. I know it’s brief and a little more preachy than usual, and I haven’t exactly given you any tips on how to move forward. I think I just needed to get it off my chest. And I needed you to know that you are capable of doing it. This moving forward and letting go thing. I think that’s our biggest problem. You, me, a lot of people. The past is a comfortable place to be because we know it. Even if it hurts, at least we know what it entails.

But here’s the deal. On Christmas Day, I woke up to a barrage of shit, some of which deserved my sadness (as mentioned before) and some of which really did not (one day I’ll be comfortable enough to explain). And I found myself dragged down more heavily by the stuff that didn’t because it was the result of another person's disappointing behavior as opposed to natural uncontrollable events caused by the universe just doing its thing and being shitty. So, I sat on my bed and for thirty minutes I cried and I punched a few pillows and I screamed “fuck you” at the wall. And then I stood up, dried off my face, got dressed and started my fucking day because – and this is the most important lesson I could really ever teach you –

I am in charge of my goddamn life.

You are in charge of your goddamn life. No one else. Not a single other person. And one day you’re going to get here and have these experiences and feel these feelings and it’s going to be so fucking hard for a really long time. But this person you are, this person who hangs on to things that make you unhappy and resentful just for the smallest hope and possibility that it might turn around, you don’t have to be her. You are allowed to say, “Nope, absolutely not, I’m done with this shit.” You can live in forward motion. You can live big and with purpose. There is so much good waiting out there for you.

You just have rip off that band-aid and trust the universe, even if you have no idea what the hell it's going to deliver you. I promise you’re strong enough to do it. I’ve seen it. And it's pretty fucking awesome.

Love you,

Coco