Hey turd monkey,

Hope life is treating you well. From memory, I imagine it is. You know, for the most part. I was thinking about our first day of middle school a couple weeks back. Remember that day? Less than two hours into sixth grade and that sixteen-year-old eighth grader from MS-13 made fun of you for being white and then slammed you into a locker. At the time, terrifying, but looking back, honestly kind of funny.

That’s the thing about being able to take a step away and look at all these moments in our life now that there’s this cool thing called perspective the universe endows you with in small progressive doses as you get older – shitty circumstances are never quite as bad they seem. Of course there are exceptions to that, but those are generally brutal and I’m not quite ready to delve into reliving those moments with you just yet.

In the meantime, let’s talk finding a balance between negativity and positivity for those moments when life punches you into a locker. Over the years, more often than not, you’ve fallen particularly victim to your own truly unpleasant cases of Debbie Downer-ism, Negative Nancy-ism and (my favorite of the three) Ali Asshole-ism. These moments are generally brought on by one of the following:

-       Jealousy, which you cover up with pessimism.

-       Sadness, which you cover up with pessimism.  

-       Insecurity, which you cover up with pessimism.

-       Anger, which you don’t cover up at all, you just become the fucking worst.

Assuming the lowest of circumstance as a coping mechanism is both briefly relieving and also a very quick road to making yourself pretty much 150% intolerable all the time. Bad days and bad weeks and bad months are going to happen. It’s an unfortunately inevitable and super irritating part of the life cycle. Allowing those days and weeks and months to dictate your outlook on the future, however, is a choice you have control over.

There’s really nothing more annoying than someone throwing a constant pity party for themselves other than someone throwing a constant pity party for the universe like it’s in dire need of their sad ass negative energy. Something you need to remember as you grow up and battle the depression, anxiety and paranoia your brain seems so keen on throwing at you is this: THE SHITTY STUFF IS TEMPORARY.


Got that? Good. Okay. Bad situations don’t last forever. That’s vital to know and essential to understand. Falling into a low point can make seeing a bright future nearly impossible.

I’m not a stranger to that. You’re not a stranger to that. Most people aren’t strangers to that. Low points are human. But taking a moment of failure – whether it’s a shit job or a break up or a zero-dollar bank account or your friend ditched you at the bar for a dude and now you’re stuck making awkward conversation with his wingman or maybe that fucktard at the gym hit your car again with his shitty Honda and you want to light the damn thing on fire because it’s the second time in a row and what the actual fuck, who taught that POS how to drive – and turning it into a prolonged feeling of negativity does not benefit you.

If you choose to follow that path of thought, I can guarantee you this: you will not grow into a person you or anybody else enjoys being around. I’m not trying to be the dick over here saying you’re not going to have any friends because sometimes you’re going to be a class A butthole, but I am saying this: negativity, approaching things with pessimism, disregarding that silver linings do in fact exist, those are states of being that push the goodness out of you. They will strip you, piece by piece, of your necessary sense of optimism. And your optimism, even if at times it’s unbelievably annoying and perky and debatably just a tad idealistic, is the push your brain is giving you to move forward and survive when darkness feels like it’s swallowing you whole.

All that to say that it’s not like you can’t have a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month. You can and you will. I do A LOT. But there’s a fine line between having a hard time and letting a hard time become you. At the end of the day you’re someone who, even when you’re bitching and moaning about someone or something that’s bothering you, has always believed in the basic decency of others. Which means you also believe in the basic decency of the universe. For all the advice I give you, I’m still in the baby stages of learning it myself. Still, don’t forget that when shit has gotten tough, you’ve always done best when you’ve picked yourself up, brushed yourself off and taken a step toward the brighter path. Even when it was the harder step to take.

It’s done you good.

Much love,