04.04.17

2 || PEEING YOUR PANTS

Hey you,

You already know where this is going don't you? At this point you've done it before. Remember your friend's New Years Eve party when you were like nine? You sat down to pee on a closed toilet. Then you cried, panicked and told all your friends you had slipped in a puddle of water in the bathroom. Yeah. It's been over a decade and you still remember that. Tragedy really sticks with you. 

Fast forward ten years. You're nineteen. You're way too old to be peeing your pants, right? Wrong. You're never too old to pee your pants. There will be days when you run out of tampons and have to opt for a pad. Days when you laugh maybe a little too hard at a bad joke and BOOP. That's the sound a tiny squirt of pee makes in your head. BOOP. Well when that happens, let me tell you, you're gonna be really grateful you're packing that diaper sized pad.

I'm getting ahead of myself. That's not actually the story I had for you, but I'm going to leave it in there because I'm trying this new thing where I have a zero percent shame tolerance and, if you haven't caught on, it's pretty humiliating! 

Okay so. You're nineteen. You're dating this guy. He sucks. Like a lot. He's going to verbally abuse you to hell and back again, but don't worry, I have a letter set up to prepare you for that one. But anyway, you're with him. You're staying at his family home with him in a different state. You get a UTI. Yes, a UTI.

This will be your first one and damn girl, it's going to be a doozy. Mostly because you're going to have no idea what it is. You're going to be sitting on the end of his bed and get up to go pee. It's going to be the most painful pee of your life and you're going to wonder if you're dying. You're not, don't worry, but your vagina definitely is. You're going to go back to sitting on the end of his bed and five minutes later, surprise, you're going to have to pee again. And then again. And then again and so on so forth. 

Eight hours later you will have deeply befriended both WebMD and the toilet. Your boyfriend is going to race you to the emergency room. Let me warn you, the parking lot there has a truly cruel amount of speed bumps. You may or may not pee in your underwear a little as the car less than gracefully blows over them. As you wait in the emergency room you will get up to use the bathroom about ten times in thirty minutes.  At this point I'm sure you're thinking "How is there any pee left?" There's not. You're just going to be sitting over the toilet crying as nothing comes out. Finally the doctors will call you in, tell you "Wow, yeah you've definitely got a UTI, that's for sure," which will be both relieving because now you get medication, and also concerning that that's the doctor's approach to telling you bad news. So when does the real pants peeing come in to play? Here. 

Let me precede this by saying that these days you've laid a solid ground rule for yourself and borrowing people's clothes. If you do not feel well, you don't borrow them. At this point and time, you will have not yet laid this incredibly valuable ground rule for yourself. Your boyfriend is going to give you a pair of his pajama pants to wear. Honestly, I can't remember why he does that because you're a civilized person who owns your own pair of pajamas, but for some reason he gives you his and you wear them. After infinite exhaustion and some pills in your system, you finally settle down and head to the fridge to grab some leftover pizza. 

Okay little me. THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD HALT. I mean obviously, you will not halt. But you should have. Because the second your hand touches that sacred pizza box, you will feel the urge to pee. And you will have absolutely no control. Literally none. I imagine it's what it feels like to be in your mid-nineties. You will let loose. Everywhere. And, thanks to the antibiotics, it's going to be bright orange and stain everything it touches, including your boyfriend's pants and his parents' white marble floor.

The night will quickly unfold into you crying in the shower over your pee pants, mortified. So what advice can I possibly draw from this? Well, not much honestly. Mostly I just really wanted to tell you about the experience because you're going to grow into a young adult who stills pees themselves and that is fucking hilarious. Actually, okay so then maybe there's my advice. Laugh at the stupid shit. Truly. It might take a while for you to get there, but eventually all outrageous experiences, big or small, become a story. If you're willing to find the humor in any given circumstance, I promise you you will do just fine. Life is a lot of tripping and falling over yourself. I recommend, within reason, you do it as much as you can. Obviously, do not become accustomed to peeing yourself. You're going to work in a lot of offices as you grow up and I really can't have you urinating all over the place. But trip, fall, find the laugh and give yourself a good story. Embarrassment is inevitable and dude, you're going to embarrass yourself. A lot. So get ready.

Xoxo,

Coco